


Everyone's a Critic

by Anonymous



Category: Club SLAZY - Miura & Ise
Genre: Crack, M/M, there are only three people in this world who will understand this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 10:18:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17424014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: “Mr X has decided that the performances aren’t quite enough. We are to perform a play to lift the hearts of the ladies that come to Club Slazy."





	Everyone's a Critic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Miki (xxfiremaidenxx)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxfiremaidenxx/gifts).



A large box filled to the brim with thick booklets was dropped with an unceremonious thunk in front of a mismatched group comprising of the Lazies, the New Jacks, some Mystics, and more than a few Tori, who were looking around in confusion. 

Odds picked up one of the booklets, furrowing his eyebrows as he stared at the cover. “I’m sorry, what are these supposed to be?”

“Potential scripts,” said Q, with a rather tight lipped expression. It was the first time for many of them seeing their resident caretaker looking so displeased with the situation. “Mr X has decided that the performances aren’t quite enough. We are to perform a play to lift the hearts of the ladies that come to Club Slazy. Apparently, he spoke to some Mystics, without my knowledge,” - his eyes flashed dangerously as he said this - “Now we must choose which one of the scripts they wrote for us.”

The thinly veiled look of disdain he threw at the box suggested that he didn’t believe any of these were worth choosing. There was some shuffling as everyone reached for the box. 

“I, the wonderful Cool Beans, must be cast as the main hero of the story no matter which play it is! Anything less would disappoint my lovely nyan-nyans!” Cool Beans proclaimed grandly, tearing open a booklet with such vigor it was a minor miracle that he didn't tear it. 

Bloom snorted. “At your size, you’d be lucky to play the hero’s pet Chihuahua.”

“Oi, say that to my face, Bloom!”

Deep flipped through multiple booklets at once, giggling drunkenly. “Hey you’re in these too, Q-chan!”

Cool Beans whipped around. “Really? Is Q-chan the heroine??”

“...Unfortunately.” Q coughed. “I mean, all roles have been decided already. This is the only reason why our friends from the Underworld and Tori are allowed to join us for a while.”

He shot a sideways glance at Will, who, despite being significantly larger and ganglier, was crowding so close to VP that he almost sitting in the smaller man’s lap. Neither of them paid any notice. 

“Um, are you sure these are supposed to ‘lift the hearts’ of the people watching?” End said meekly. “They’re… a little…”

“Depressing,” Act finished flatly, not looking up from the book. “Everyone is dying in this one. And that one. And the one before.”

There were several murmurs of agreement. 

“I like the one where I get to die multiple times!” Bloom said brightly. “Assassination, falling in battle, terminal illness… it’s got it all! I wonder if I go to Heaven or Hell each time?”

“You won't go to Heaven nor Hell; you have to reincarnate multiple times in that one,” Q reminded him, making his face fall slightly. “It's far too long winded for a story in my opinion.”

“It’s a beautifully tragic story,” Will said, so softly he almost went unheard. When attention shifted to him, he blushed and hid his face with the script book.

VP hummed thoughtfully, one of few who seemed to be reading seriously rather than casually flipping through. 

“Tragic doesn’t begin to cover it,” said Act, his face looking less and less impressed with every page. “Did you do something to your Mystics, Q-san? They seem intent on piling catastrophe over catastrophe on your character.”

Q sighed. “I actually have no idea. However, I will gladly give up the main role to anyone who wishes to take it.”

“There’s no need to do that, I’m sure this is just Miharu’s way of expressing their love.” Bloom grinned.

“Yes, love via rampant death and destruction is the quickest way to my heart.”

Deep frowned and rested his chin against his hands as his eyes slid over the various booklets laid out before him. “Also, is it just me or do all of them centre around Bloom and Q-chan fucking?”

The room went silent. 

End facepalmed. “Deep-san… We were trying not to mention that…” 

Q’s smile was now very fixed and he was glaring at a wall, pointedly looking away from Bloom, who was looking as close to a real life approximation of the sweat drop emoji as it was possible to be. 

Deep seemed nonplussed. “But it’s so obvious in all of these. I mean the one where Bloom dies over and over is literally because he’s sacrificing his soul for Q-chan! Then there’s the secret agent one where Q mopes for ages because he thinks Bloom is gone, and later throws himself at a guy who’s supposed to look exactly like Bloom!”

“Deep, please stop digging your own grave…”

Undeterred, Deep continued to babble, “Not to mention that whole vampire one, like wow! The bloodsucking is just a metaphor for sex, am I right? And I’m like… a half-vampire in this one. Am I supposed to be Q-chan’s kid with Bloom? I actually like the secret agent one better. I get to be a badass spy and have gun fights and betray all of you!” His smile was much too chipper given what he’d just said. 

“You can do that right now and join me in Tori,” DooBop said blandly. 

“Nah, that’s not as cool. Sorry, nii-chan,” Deep replied without missing a beat. 

If DooBop was offended, he didn’t show it. He continued to peruse the pages, looking bored. “Your Mystics don’t seem to be able to make up their minds about me. I’m a villain in one and a trusted confidant in another.”

Zs, who had been fuming for a while, suddenly burst out. “These scripts are absolutely terrible! They don’t understand the nuances of my character at all! Look, in this one, I don’t show up past dragging End’s sorry ass to the secret agent base! What a waste of my acting talent! Is this how you treat your manager?”

“Excuse you, I’m the real manager now. And at least your role isn’t an embarrassment,” Odds snapped. “I know my song is called Drug but why the hell do I get written off as a doped up addict after King dies? I wouldn’t waste a damn cigarette on that guy!” 

King frowned, but said nothing. 

“Then I get killed in a mage battle in the next one, by Zs of all people, and I barely appear before that! The magic user should be the star of the show!” He threw the booklets down and pouted. “Comfort me, Q-chan!’

Q shook his head, trying to look exasperated as he patted Odds’ shoulder, but there was a faint smile flitting across his face. With so much resistance, perhaps they wouldn't have to go through this soap opera esque plays after all. 

Suddenly, VP stood up - causing Will to fall to the floor with a yelp - and executed a perfect pirouette. 

“These stories are marvelous!” he declared, “The most elegant literature I’ve ever seen! Roses in a field of dandelions! We must share them with the world!”

He glared around the room, as if daring someone to disagree with him. 

Q coughed. Everyone looked away.

There was a very long, awkward silence. 

Meanwhile, End was turning redder and redder as he read one of the scripts. Eventually, he put it down and picked up another, only to resume his impression of an overripe tomato. 

“...Are you okay?” Act asked. He had evidently given up reading the rest. 

End squeaked, jolting away from the former Top Ace. 

Act raised an eyebrow. 

Bloom snickered. “You two have some lovely scenes together. Truly beautiful. Especially the part where you pin End down on a bed. You should act them out for us, Mr Not Interested In Men.” Then he ducked to avoid Act trying to strangle him. 

“I’m  _ not _ interested in men! Why doesn’t anyone believe me?!” he snarled. 

“Uh… because you sexually harassed a man the first time you meet him? And there was your ambiguously gay relationship with Eyeball,” Deep supplied. 

Act spluttered. “What?! That wasn’t like that! If you’re talking about me asking if End wanted me to fuck him that was just a joke! He was the one who said yes! And how the fuck do you know that?!” But the answer seemed to come to him and he rounded on End. “Were you running your mouth telling everyone?!” 

The poor Fourth Star shrank back, blushing scarlet from the roots of his hair down to his neck. “I only told Deep-san, but now you just said everything in front of everyone…”

In contrast, Act went pale. “Fuck.”

“You should.” Deep said sagely, “End might be able to relieve your - ACK!”

The ensuing scuffle required most of the people in the room to pull them apart. 

In the end, they never did decide which one to perform, but it was alright because Mr X got a good laugh from just reading the scripts. 


End file.
